Johannesburg's BEST Orchard Executive Stay: Luxury Awaits!
Johannesburg's BEST Orchard Executive Stay: Luxury Awaits!
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because we're diving HEADFIRST into Johannesburg's BEST Orchard Executive Stay: Luxury Awaits! Think less travel brochure, more spilled coffee and real-life feels. We're going to get messy with this review, alright?
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First things first: ACCESSIBILITY. Okay, this is HUGE for me. I’ve got a friend who gets around in a wheelchair, and finding truly accessible places is like searching for a unicorn in a… well, you get the idea. Let's get down to it:
- Wheelchair Accessible: Hallelujah! A confirmed yes. This is a massive win, and should be advertised to the heavens.
- Facilities for Disabled Guests: Let's hope this means more than just a ramp. We're talking grab bars in the bathroom, wider doorways, and thoughtful details. This needs to be really good, not just "compliant." My friend says this is often the biggest letdown, that accessibility can feel "tacked on" and badly executed.
- Elevator: Essential. I’m assuming they have one, because, ya know, a luxury stay can't be on the fifth floor with no elevator.
- Accessibility: This should go beyond the basics. I want to know if they have assistive listening devices, Braille signage, and staff trained in assisting guests with disabilities. This is not just about ticking boxes, it's about genuine inclusivity.
Okay, let's talk about getting around.
- Airport Transfer: Yes please! Nothing better than being whisked away from OR Tambo.
- Car Park [Free of charge] & Car park [on-site] & Valet Parking: Hoo boy for the car park [free of charge] , that's always a bonus (especially in Joburg). Valet parking is very a bonus, because I always feel like a movie star when someone parks my car for me.
- Taxi Service: I can see this as a convenience, but I would be more interested in Uber/Bolt.
- Bicycle Parking: I'm not sure how many executives are biking around Joburg, but hey, options!
ON-SITE ACCESSIBLE RESTAURANTS/LOUNGES:
This is where it gets interesting. Does "accessible" mean a ramp and a cleared path, or does it mean a truly inclusive experience? Is there a separate, secluded area for wheelchair users, maybe a bit of privacy for an intimate meal?
I'm gonna lean into the messy side again: I once stayed in a hotel that said it was accessible, but navigating the restaurant with a wheelchair was like running the gauntlet. Narrow aisles, tables crammed together…it was a disaster. Hopefully, BEST Orchard Executive Stay has learned from the mistakes of others. They also need to make the menu easily accessible (large print, online version).
DINING, DRINKING, AND SNACKING – OH MY!
Alright, food is life. Let's see if this place can feed my soul (and stomach).
- Restaurants, Bar, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Poolside bar, Snack bar: This is a solid starting point. Multiple options are a win.
- A la carte in restaurant, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant: Buffet or a la carte? I love a buffet because it lets you try everything (within reason!). The buffet needs to be top notch.
- Alternative meal arrangement, Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, International cuisine in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant: Variety is the spice of life! But do they do it well? A mediocre "international" menu is worse than no international menu at all. And a good veggie option is essential for the modern traveler.
- Bottle of water: Essential. Hydration is key. I do love a good bottle of water.
- Desserts in restaurant: I need to know more! Deserts are where it's at.
- Happy hour: Definitely a plus.
- Room service [24-hour]: Because late-night cravings are real, and sometimes you just want a burger in your bathrobe.
- Poolside Bar: This is a MUST. Cocktails in the sun? Yes, please.
- Salad in restaurant, Soup in restaurant: Healthier options are always welcome, but again, quality is key.
My Craving: The Breakfast Buffets of Legends!
I’m a breakfast person. I dream of breakfast buffets. I’m talking golden, crispy bacon, perfectly poached eggs, a mountain of fresh fruit, and enough pastries to make Marie Antoinette jealous. If this place delivers on breakfast, they’ve already won me over. More than that, I want a dedicated chef for the breakfast buffet.
RELAXATION STATION: SPA, POOL & THINGS TO DO
This is where we get to the luxury part, right? Let's see if they deliver.
- Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Sauna, Foot bath, Body scrub, Body wrap, Massage: Okay, hello. This sounds promising. A spa is a must-have for any "executive stay." But is it a proper spa? Or some sad little room with a massage table? I want to know about the feel of the spa - the music, the lighting, the scents. Does it feel luxurious?
- Pool with view, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]: Multiple pools are always a win! The pool with a view melts my heart. Does it overlook the city? The landscape? Is it a place to relax and unwind?
- Fitness center, Gym/fitness: Gotta keep my beach body ready (even in Joburg!). Are the machines modern? Is there enough space? Important questions!
- Things to Do: What are they suggesting? Do they have information on local attractions, tours, activities? A concierge who actually knows the area makes a huge difference.
Cleanliness & Safety – Seriously Important Stuff
The world is a weird place right now, so let's see how safe they are:
- Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, Hygiene certification, Individually-wrapped food options, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Staff trained in safety protocol: All the things! Seriously, these are essential. I want to know they're taking this seriously.
- Daily housekeeping, Room sanitization opt-out available & Cleaning: I'm a bit of a neat freak.
- Cashless payment service, Contactless check-in/out: Great. Easy and safe.
- Doctor/nurse on call, First aid kit: Good to have, just in case.
- Hand sanitizer: Everywhere, please.
- CCTV in common areas, CCTV outside property, Fire extinguisher, Front desk [24-hour], Proposal spot, Room decorations, Safety/security feature, Security [24-hour], Smoke alarms: Good to see. That shows a safety focus with security.
- Hot water linen and laundry washing: Clean and safe.
- Shared stationery removed: Makes me happy.
- Sterilizing equipment: Sounds very professional!
ROOMS: THE HEART OF THE MATTER
- Available in all rooms: I hope this means all of the below!
- Additional toilet, Air conditioning: You can't live without.
- Alarm clock: Essential.
- Bathrobes, Slippers: Luxury!
- Bathtub, Separate shower/bathtub: I'm a bath person. Big points here.
- Blackout curtains: Crucial for sleep!
- Carpeting & Non-smoking: Yes please.
- Closet: Space to unpack is appreciated.
- Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Free bottled water: More essential.
- Desk, Laptop workspace: Perfect for those "executive stays".
- Extra long bed: Yes! Get me a king/queen bed!
- Hair dryer: Thank God.
- High floor, Window that opens, Soundproof rooms: These are all a massive PLUS.
- In-room safe box: For valuables.
- Interconnecting room(s) available: Good for families.
- Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Wi-Fi [free]: Gotta have it, the free Wi-Fi would make this an easy sell.
- Ironing facilities: Useful. Because looking sharp is important.
- Linens: Fresh and crisp, I hope!
- Mini bar: A great addition, and sometimes necessary.
- Mirror: Important to look your best.
- On-demand movies, Satellite/cable channels: Entertainment options.
- Private bathroom: Necessary.
- Reading light: If you are a reader.
- Refrigerator:
Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because we're about to get real messy on this Johannesburg adventure. Forget those pristine, perfectly planned itineraries. This is the unvarnished truth, the raw, hilarious chaos of a trip to The Orchards Executive Accommodation. Consider yourselves warned.
The Orchards Executive Accommodation – A "Sort Of" Schedule (LOL)
(Day 1: Arrival and Immediate Panic-Buying)
- Morning: Arrived in Johannesburg. Flight was delayed, of course. Nothing screams "authentic travel experience" like spending an extra hour swirling around in airplane purgatory. Got off the plane, feeling like a human meatball squeezed through a metal tube, and immediately got hit by the air. It's not like anywhere else, the crisp, dry air of Joburg. Felt a bit alien the first few times.
- Afternoon: Taxi to The Orchards. The driver, God bless him, was trying his best but the traffic in Joburg, is a beast. The accommodations, it's… nice, okay? Executive, yeah. But there's a distinct whiff of "corporate retreat" lingering in the air, and for a solo traveller like me, it feels a little…lonely. But clean! And that's a win.
- Late-Afternoon: Immediate mission: find a grocery store and stock up on snacks. Because if I'm honest, the thought of relying on room service is giving me hives. Wandered aimlessly in a shopping mall for what felt like a lifetime, desperately craving a salty, crunchy something. Ended up buying enough biltong to feed a small army. Worth it. So worth it. (Side note: I'm pretty sure I judged all the people trying to steal things. Justified).
- Evening: Settled into my little executive cocoon. Unpacked. Stared at the TV. Attempted to order takeaway, failed. Drank all the water. Considered ordering more biltong. Ended up watching cat videos. My life is a tapestry of high drama. And yes, I am the drama.
(Day 2: Culture Shock and Breakfast Bar Blues)
- Morning: The Orchards breakfast! "Continental" is a lie, it's a battleground of questionable croissants. I'm not one for early mornings, but there's no better way to get my butt booted out of bed than a free (ish) breakfast somewhere
- Late-Morning: Brave the chaotic streets. Went to the Apartheid Museum. Wow. Just…wow. It’s an experience that leaves you silent. I got genuinely choked up at the sheer resilience of the human spirit. It’s heavy stuff. Afterwards, I felt this crushing weight of sadness, and the sudden, urgent need for retail therapy. (See where this is going?)
- Afternoon: Stumbled upon a street market. Gorgeous colours! So much vibrant stuff. The energy was infectious. Bought a ridiculous hat. Don’t judge me. You'd be surprised, the things that make you feel more alive. Got hustled by a vendor selling "authentic" African art. Suspected it was mass-produced in China. Didn’t care. The spirit was there.
- Evening: Got lost. Seriously, GPS failed, and I ended up doing a full-blown panic sprint in the wrong direction. Found a tiny, local restaurant and got my first taste of proper South African food - pap (cornmeal porridge) and braaied (grilled) meat. Heaven! A little too much heaven, if you ask me. I'm pretty sure I ate enough meat to single-handedly keep a butcher in business for a month.
- Night: Collapsed back at the accommodation. Replayed the whole day, feeling emotionally exhausted but also… strangely exhilarated. The hat’s cool though.
(Day 3: Diving Deep into the Gold Reef, and the Pit of Despair)
- Morning: The Orchards breakfast again. Seriously considering just bringing a stash of instant coffee and cereal bars because the croissants are still a lie.
- Late-Morning: GOLD REEF CITY. Holy moly, what an experience. It's a theme park based on a gold mine. Kinda weird, kinda brilliant. I got to go down into the mine! It was dark, claustrophobic and incredibly eerie. I’m not usually one for getting freaked out, but this had me on edge. We saw them melt actual gold bars!
- Afternoon: Back on top. This place is a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s a theme park, but it's also a really strong look at the history of Joburg. It's loud, it's silly, it's educational. And I nearly got trampled by a group of teenagers who were clearly more interested in the carnival games than the gold mining. Seriously. So frustrating.
- Late-Afternoon: This is not where it's going. I felt… something. Like, I was having a bad day. I went back to The Orchards and I just cried for a good hour. No reason, just feelings. It hit me.
- Evening: Takeaway and movies. I ate until I was stuffed until my stomach hurt. And then I ate more.
(Day 4: Winding Down, Warts and All)
- Morning: One last, desperate attempt at the breakfast buffet. This time, I actually snagged a decent croissant. Victory is mine!
- Late-Morning: Checked out of The Orchards. On the way to the airport, I stopped at a coffee shop. I realized that the hat I bought was a tiny bit weird. And I was okay with that.
- Afternoon: Flight home. Contemplated my life. Johannesburg is messy, and complicated, and loud, and beautiful, and a little bit scary. And it was a journey. Not always easy. But worthwhile? Absolutely. It felt real. It was real.
- Evening: Landed. Unpacked. Sighed. Start planning my next trip back.
The End (For Now)
So there you have it. A slightly chaotic, emotionally charged, and utterly honest glimpse into my Johannesburg adventure. Remember, it's not about the perfect itinerary, it's about the messy, glorious journey. And South Africa? It’s a journey of a lifetime.
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Okay, spill the tea: Is this "Orchard Executive Stay" *really* as luxurious as the name suggests? I'm skeptical, you know?
Alright, alright, let's be real. "Executive" and "Luxury" get thrown around like glitter at a drag show, right? But honestly? Yeah, it *mostly* lives up to the hype. The word "mostly" is vital. I mean, the *first* time I walked in, I almost tripped over my own jaw. Picture this: I’m checking in after a brutally long flight, looking like I’ve wrestled a rhino – and BAM! Sparkling chandeliers, a view that could make a grumpy cat purr, and a welcome basket overflowing with goodies that were clearly NOT from Woolies (gourmet chocolates, people!). I spent the first hour just wandering around, mouth agape, touching everything. But here's the *real*, messy truth: the internet was a bit… temperamental. One evening, during a crucial video call – the kind that could make or break my career! – the connection completely pooped out. Cue frantic clawing at the Wi-Fi router, a silent scream, and me having to practically climb a tree for a decent signal. Eventually, I had to hot-spot from my phone. Total diva move, I know. So, luxury with a side of occasional tech frustration. Still, the view from the tree? Not bad, actually.
What about the location? Is it safe? I’ve heard some… things… about Johannesburg.
Okay, safety. Here’s the deal. Johannesburg? It’s a city of extremes, right? Glory and grit. I won’t lie and tell you it’s Disneyland. This specific area… well, it *feels* safe. There's proper security at the entrance – actual guards, not just some bored teenager with a walkie-talkie. The surrounding neighbourhood is pretty swanky. However, ALWAYS be aware. Always. Trust your gut. Don’t wander around flashing your Rolex at 2 am. Common sense. I had a rental car broken into once in a *very* fancy neighbourhood, years ago. It's just the reality of the place. Take the hotel’s advice and local knowledge from staff, seriously. They definitely know more than me. So, is it safe? Relatively, but you still need to be street smart. Think of it as having to keep your wits about you. Which, honestly, I often fail. Especially after a few of those lovely welcome-basket chocolates.
The food. Tell me EVERYTHING about the food situation. Am I going to starve? Or is it gourmet heaven?
OH, THE FOOD! This is where things get… delicious. The hotel breakfast? A work of art. I’m talking fresh fruit, pastries that practically melt in your mouth, and a coffee machine that… well, it’s a religious experience. I'm not exaggerating. I almost wept. The eggs benedict were legendary. Lunch? You have options. Room service is good (and let’s be honest, sometimes you just *need* to eat in your pyjamas). There's a decent restaurant on-site, with some truly stunning South African wines. And the staff are genuinely friendly and helpful, which helps a lot after a stressful day. Dinner is where you can really shine. Johannesburg has some AMAZING restaurants. The concierge will hook you up with recommendations and reservations. Just trust them. I remember this one night, the concierge recommended a restaurant in the city, a real hidden gem, amazing authentic food. We nearly missed our reservation because we got lost. It was terrifying, but the food was so good, it made up for it. I practically inhaled my entire meal. So, gourmet heaven? Mostly, yes. Starving? Absolutely not.
Okay, let's talk about the rooms. Are they genuinely spacious and, you know, *nice*? Or just… beige?
Listen, I'm a sucker for a well-designed room. And these rooms? They're not beige. Thank GOD. They are genuinely spacious. Like, "I could do a cartwheel in here" spacious. And nice? Oh, yes, very nice. Think plush carpets, a giant bed you could get lost in, and a bathroom that's practically a spa. The decor is modern, but with a touch of South African flair – think beautiful artwork and some really lovely local touches. It wasn’t just a room, it was an experience. Now, I had a minor, *tiny*, issue with the lighting initially. I like my room to be brighter than the sun. I mentioned this, and the next day, bam! Extra lamps, brighter bulbs! Staff were so great. I felt like a VIP. So, yes, spacious, nice, and if you have any minor issues, they will sort it.
Is there a pool? Because, pool. I need a pool.
Oh, yes, my friend. There's a pool. A glorious, inviting, sparkling blue pool. And it's surrounded by loungers and umbrellas and… Okay, I’m going off-track, but the point is, yes, there's a pool! It's in a nice, secluded area, quite perfect for relaxing after a long day. And the best part? One afternoon, it was empty. EMPTY! I practically had the entire pool to myself. I was swimming, doing laps, feeling like a total Hollywood star. I was just enjoying myself, soaking up the sun and the peace. And then? Disaster struck. I slipped. And I fell. Hard. Right in front of the entire cleaning staff, who were just… staring. Mortifying. So, the pool is great, but watch your step!
What about the staff? Are they genuinely helpful and… nice, or just going through the motions?
This is a biggie. The staff? Fantastic. Truly. And I'm a tough critic. They’re not just going through the motions. They’re genuinely friendly, helpful, and they *actually* seem to care. I mean, they're South African, after all. Genuine warmth is practically expected of them. I lost a rather important phone charger – the kind that’s impossible to replace – and they went above and beyond to help me find it. They probably thought I was insane, since I was running around the hotel hysterically asking everyone. They’re incredibly patient and they seem genuinely invested in making your stay as pleasant as possible. Big shout out to the housekeeping staff, the concierge, literally everyone. They're what really made the experience special.
Okay, final verdict: Would you recommend it? Is it worth the splurge?
Alright, the bottom line. Would I recommend this *Orchard Executive Stay*? Absolutely. Despite the shaky internet and my near-pool-related-disaster, it’s worth the splurge. It’s a beautiful property, the staff are wonderful, and it offers a level of luxury and comfort that’s genuinely impressive. You’ll feel spoiled. Really spoiledRoam And Rests
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